Becoming A Free Spirit

 I knew what happiness was. It was in those rays of sunshine on my skin. It was in the breeze blowing through my hair, it was in the laughter of friends. It was in the comfort of that little silver jeep, and in daily morning walks. It was found in the holding of hands.  What happened? Was it the stress of assignments piling up? Maybe it was the chronic procrastination weighing on me, or perhaps the repetition of mundane tasks on the daily; the same breakfast, the same transit ride to school, the same music, the same room. Maybe it was the change in weather from sunny and bright to gloomy and dark.  Whatever happened, I feel as if I lost my happiness that I held oh so dear. I lost my adventurous heart, my spontaneity. I became hyper focused on the little details, how things have  to be. I could sit here and cry a river of nostalgia about the days where I used to feel happy. I could write about how dark and boring life has felt lately. I could talk about how I feel that I rarely smile no

    As the end of the year quickly approaches, I've been starting to think more about my 2023 goals list that I made way back in February. So far I've completed 13/23 of them.     I knew going into it that I probably would not be able to check off all of them this year, especially with me working and being in school full time. Despite those obstacles, I think I've made some pretty good progress.      I wanted to take a quick look at what's left on the list and see if there's a way to fit as many of these goals in over the next month and a half!  1. Go ice skating. Easy! I live right by an ice rink. I even own my own ice skates, they just need to be sharpened.  2. Drive-In. Okay so there is actually a drive-in theatre nearby to me. The problem with this one is that it never plays any movies that I'm interested in! It's also gotten super expensive, like $20 per person, when I could go to the actual theatre for only around $14 each.  3. Get my tattoo. I decide

Happy October first! October has always been one of my favourite months, and not just because it hosts both my birthday and Halloween…  October is when I first really begin to notice the season changing from summer to autumn. The leaves change colours and the cool breeze nips away at you despite the sun still shining bright. Warm tea and coffee become the drinks of choice and of course, pumpkins are everywhere!  It’s during this time I like to remind myself that just like the weather and the leaves falling off of trees, we too go through seasons of life.   Right now I'm in my season of learning to take life day by day. Reminding myself that I don't have to be out and about on some crazy expedition in order to be happy. I can feel joy wherever I am if I go into it with a positive attitude. I'm in my season of school work and productivity. If I'm honest though, I'm in my season of burnout.  I have to be working towards something to feel productive. Whether that's

 The ocean where I live is never warm. It's never even tepid. Lakes are rarely warm too. It could be a 30*C day and the water will still feel ice cold. It can make beach days uncomfortable because despite sweating on the sand, the second I dip my toes into the water my body will automatically retract. As human beings, we hate  being uncomfortable and will do anything to avoid it.  Teaching myself to be okay with stepping outside of my comfort zone has been a long road, and I'm not even 100% there yet. I've begun to walk the line of comfortableness and discomfort. Of course, I want to make the point that I'm talking about boundaries and comfort that are holding me back from things I want  to do, not things that I do not.  This begins with little things. Sticking my hand or even my whole head out of the car window. Going out and buying myself flowers because I like how they look in my room. Going to a restaurant alone. Hiking up a mountain in the dark for sunrise. Walking

 Recently I've been seeing a lot of posts about being "unapologetically feminine," and embracing girlhood. They talk about learning to love what you love, dressing the way you want, hanging out with your friends, and not being afraid to get emotional.  For some reason, these posts resonated with me. Once I started seeing them more I started to feel a lot more comfortable with being me. I allowed myself to be emotional, to listen to my body, my wants and needs.  But why? What is girlhood? What exactly is being unapologetically feminine?  I wanted to dive a little deeper into the meaning, into the feelings. I want to try to explain it, my take on it, so that hopefully others can understand. I have a strong feeling that this whole girlhood thing is going to play a big role in my journey.  Girlhood. The time of being a girl . Growing up I remember I used to love "girly" things. I loved getting my nails done and wearing pretty dresses, I loved horses and Barbies. I

 Can you believe it's already half way through summer and I still haven't swam in a lake yet?? With it being well into July, I figured that it was time to start going through my 2023 goals list and see what I've completed and what is still yet to be done. For those of you who haven't found that page yet, Here was the list I created back when I started this blog in March: Stand outside of a sunroof ✅ Swim in a lake Ice skate Go to the drive-in Run through a field (preferably in a flowy dress)✅ Go camping with no plan -> forestry campsite Spontaneous trip  Runaway (just disappear for a few days SAFELY WITH MY BF AND PARENTS KNOWING OR WITH ME) Watch the sunset at local paintball field Hike Joffre Lakes Have a picnic ✅ Take a pottery class Take a horse-riding lesson Chase waterfalls Swim in the ocean ✅ Sleep under the stars Get my first tattoo Have a baking date with BF Scream at the top of my lungs✅ Study at the Vancouver Library Plan to move out within 2023/24 Have a

 It's nice to have people support you, there's no doubt about that. But there comes a time when you have to stop begging other people to support you. That is something I am still learning. Take this blog. When I started it I was SO excited. I wanted to share it with everyone, all of my friends and people I know. I told everyone about it. I even emailed my close friends a "newsletter" to tell them when I posted. I talked about it on my social media, I sent my friends the link. And yet only one of my friends even bothered to read it upon launch. ouch. Something I had worked so hard on and clearly was so excited about just went unnoticed or ignored by the people who mean the most to me.  It really sucked. But maybe they were busy. Maybe they didn't see the email. I tried again the next time I posted. I tried again and again. After about the third time, a few of them at least viewed the blog, maybe reading one article. It wasn't at all the amount of support I was

 Like many tween and teens back in the 2010s, I created videos to post to YouTube in the hopes of blowing up and going viral. Actually, I’m not even sure if those were my intentions when I first started.  My very first video was uploaded in 2012 to my first of many YouTube channels. It was a Littlest Pet Shop ice skating video that I filmed while staying at a lake house in the winter. The video had no real purpose other than I was having fun filming a video on my new iPod touch. I was watching a lot of LPS YouTube at the time which inspired me to play with and record my own LPS. I think the video is still public somewhere on the internet, but only TRUE fans will ever be able to find it… And thus, my YouTube career began. One that’s still ongoing today, 11 years later. Now, to be clear, I was never “internet famous,” I think the most subscribers I ever had in any channel was 1400. But for a while there, I had a big community. I had recurring subscribers who would watch and comment on ev

 So I’ve already talked about my take on self-care. One thing (I think) I mentioned was having something you do for yourself. A self-project. For me, one of my projects this year was this blog! And I’m here, I have it, I finally made a blog! I have so many other self-projects in my head that I also would like to get started on sometime in the near future after I get this blog really going. Today I wanted to talk a little bit about what I mean by a self-project and why I think they are so important to have.  We all (hopefully) have goals in life, and those usually fall into one of these categories; career, relationships, financial, or personal. Maybe your goal is to finish your degree to get the career you want, or you want to save up enough money for a down payment on a house, maybe you want to move in with your partner. Those examples cover the first 3 categories, but what about personal goals?  See, from my observations and experiences, we all have personal goals. We talk about them

 Okay, so I have always been that kid with the super messy room. Toys all over the floor, clothes spilling out of the closet, the floor never to be seen. I carried this with me through my teenage years. I was never really able to have friends over on a whim as it would always be a mess with most times not even a place to sit that wasn't covered by a pile of clothes. Constant nagging from my mother to clean it only motivated me less and less. Now 20 and an adult, I face the same issues. I'm not a dirty person, nearly messy. And the thing is that I actually don't mind cleaning. However, my room just gets to the point where it grows from a 10-minute task to a multi-day one to clean. I can begin to clean but either get too tired, too distracted, too unmotivated. It never gets done and then gets bad again.  If you've been on girl tiktok, you've probably heard an audio or two from The Fantastic Mr. Fox. One goes, "I don't want to live in a hole anymore," and

 As I have mentioned on here before, I feel the need to always  be doing something either exciting or productive. I tend to feel rather bored and restless with the mundane, like I am wasting my time. Of course, my journey is about learning how to do those exciting tasks. However, it is also about learning to be okay with the less exciting tasks. After all, self-care is still productive. I just have to reprogram my mind to think so.  I started cycle-syncing about a month and a half ago. If you or someone close to you menstruates, I highly recommend that you look into it. In short, it's syncing your food, workouts and daily activates with whichever phase of your cycle you are currently in (there are four total). I don't sync absolutely every part of my life yet, it's only my second cycle trying. I'm still learning. I do find that I am slowly becoming more in tune with my body, my mood, my needs and wants.  I woke up today to my menstrual phase starting early, a very unple

 Yoga is nothing new to me. I've been watching youtube videos and doing it at home for years now, probably since the beginning of high school. I was never consistent with it so I still can't do the splits or other crazy stretches. I only recently became capable of touching my toes without bending my knees... I mainly did it when I wanted to feel active. There were periods when it became an essential part of my day-to-day routine, but it honestly never stuck the way I wanted it to. I either didn't have enough room, my family was always around to distract me, or It was hard to find videos that weren't total beginner but weren't too advanced either. Tbh just a bunch of excuses.  One of my goals for 2023 was to try a class. Take a lesson for something. So I finally did it. I went to an actual yoga class. My city actually hosts a very wide range of activities and lessons at their multiple rec centers. Ice skating, swimming, fitness, cooking, art, pottery, and of course y

Ever since having my quarter-life crisis I've been go go go trying to accomplish everything all at once. I just want to be out 24/7, always doing something exciting. But that's when burnout happens. I've definitely experienced burnout a few times. Last winter I was going out with friends almost every single day, before work, after work, on my days off. It felt really good in the moment but after a month or so of doing that, I began to feel exhausted. I needed balance. I needed some self-care. That's the thing with goals and dreams. You're never going to reach them if you don't take care of yourself along the way on your journey. But what exactly is self-care? It's just facemasks and bubble baths, right? The media often portrays self-care as something you can just do once in a while when you need it. Like a singular activity such as putting cucumbers over your eyes while you're in the bath. And then that's it. suddenly you're calm and refreshed. 

 I love the band Wallows. I found them a super long time ago, it's probably been close to 4 or 5 years now. I remember I heard their first released song, Pleaser, and was obsessed. Of course they got popular among indie tiktok when they released their song with Clairo. Even my friends who didn't listen to that kind of music loved "Are You Bored Yet?" and to this day that's probably one of their most popular songs, (I would know since that's the one song every person in the room yelled at their concert last year) but it's not mine. Mine is "Do Not Wait" for reasons I can only attempt to explain.  I wish I could hear this song again for the first time. The genius of their album Nothing Happens is, although nothing revolutionary to the music industry, insane. The album fits so well together that if you listen to it in order, many of the songs actually fade into one another including looping from the end of the album back to the start.  My favourite

I never liked having afternoon classes, mine being from 2:30-430. Especially when I have something due that class that I've left until the last minute, making myself spend the morning finishing it. Despite having a car and license, I choose to take the bus and train most days for my many reasons. To save on gas, eliminate my driving anxiety, have time to myself, I mean I already pay my transit pass in my tuition so why also pay for gas plus parking as well???    I have to leave an hour before class to make it on time, although most days I end up leaving sometime between 12 and 1 so that I can walk around or get something to eat before class starts. I usually don't get home until 5:30. It just feels like my entire day is gone. Sometimes I do things in the morning before class; go to the gym, go on a walk, get breakfast. But hanging out with others? Impossible. As much as I like it, not many people want to hang out in the morning, plus I'm not a fan of hangouts with a time li

 About a month ago, I was walking along and came across one of those "take a book, leave a book" library cupboards. I was in between books at the time and needed something new to read so I stopped and had a peak inside. I came across a book titled "How to Break Up with Your Phone" by Catherine Price.  Now, for the last year or so I had been noticing my eyesight seriously declining. I knew it was because of all my screen time. Staring at something right in front of me sometimes for an hour or two straight. It's terrifying, really, how much time we spend  waste looking at our phones. I had been meaning to minimize my screen time and now seemed like as good of a time as any to start. The first half of the book goes through a bunch of research and studies, telling you why you need to "break up" with your phone. The second half goes through how to do so and how to rebuild a better relationship with your device.  I spent a week or so reading the first half a

 Honestly, I have no  idea how to even start talking about this. And I didn't the first time I told someone about it either.  We have all probably heard of a mid-life crisis. Someone in their 40s starts to question all of their life decisions and stereotypically goes out, buys an expensive sportscar, or starts dating someone half their age.  Now I didn't make any reckless purchases or jeopardize my loving relationship, but I definitely did experience the questioning my life and decisions part.  Thinking back, I don't even really know how it began. I started listing out all the things I want to do, all the things I haven't done yet. Then I started thinking about running out of time. About death. Death scares me. It always has. My earliest memory was way back in grade 3. I was with one of my best friends at the time. We were walking around at recess and somehow we got on the topic of her fear of death.  She asked me, "What does it feel like? Like you're just not