happiness

 I knew what happiness was. It was in those rays of sunshine on my skin. It was in the breeze blowing through my hair, it was in the laughter of friends. It was in the comfort of that little silver jeep, and in daily morning walks. It was found in the holding of hands. 

What happened? Was it the stress of assignments piling up? Maybe it was the chronic procrastination weighing on me, or perhaps the repetition of mundane tasks on the daily; the same breakfast, the same transit ride to school, the same music, the same room. Maybe it was the change in weather from sunny and bright to gloomy and dark. 

Whatever happened, I feel as if I lost my happiness that I held oh so dear. I lost my adventurous heart, my spontaneity. I became hyper focused on the little details, how things have to be.

I could sit here and cry a river of nostalgia about the days where I used to feel happy. I could write about how dark and boring life has felt lately. I could talk about how I feel that I rarely smile now. Happiness can never really be gone though, can it? It just needs to be given the environment and opportunity to flourish, to be found and nurtured.

My big problem is focusing on the negatives. What about all the positives? Like how I rescued a stay cat, teaching her about trust and love; saving a life. How about the fact that I'm one semester closer to finishing my degree? Or that I finally made friends in my program! Or how I started focusing on my public Instagram, growing my account and editing skills slowly but surely. There have been so many positives, I just can't seem to focus on them.

I want to stop waiting for the next best thing. I want to focus on the now, the present. Because there is so much beauty around me.

How do I break this cycle? Well here's what I'm going to try:

1. 5 minutes of gratitude every single day. Spend 5 minutes journalling about what I'm thankful for and all of the positive things that happened to me that day. 

2. Do something adventurous at least once a week. Now, I already told myself I would start doing this months ago, but I fell off. This time I want to hold myself accountable and actually do it. Whether it's going on a hike, visiting a new cafe, or going on a solo date. 

3. Always say YES. I want to stop saying no! Doors start to open up when you start to say yes to things which might be a tad outside your comfort zone. I've been saying no far too often, both to myself and to opportunities. 

4. Get things done early! Procrastination has been killing me recently, especially with school. I let things pile up and then get overly stressed once everything is due.

5. Limit doom scrolling. I've been so disappointed in myself when it comes to my phone usage. Over the summer I was really good at trying not to use my phone as often, only when I actually need to. I spend far too much time hopping from app to app, wasting sometimes hours a day doing absolutely nothing! I want to try drop my screen-time from my current ~6 hours a day down to ~2 hours. 

I want to give it my all this time. I want to regain my positivity, my outgoingness, I want back my happiness. I want back the girl who was fearless and playful, the girl who lived to experience life. I want back the girl who smiles. 

Chasing away my winter blues one step at a time,

Mckenna Christine <3