A memoir on supporting yourself

 It's nice to have people support you, there's no doubt about that. But there comes a time when you have to stop begging other people to support you. That is something I am still learning.

Take this blog. When I started it I was SO excited. I wanted to share it with everyone, all of my friends and people I know. I told everyone about it. I even emailed my close friends a "newsletter" to tell them when I posted. I talked about it on my social media, I sent my friends the link. And yet only one of my friends even bothered to read it upon launch. ouch. Something I had worked so hard on and clearly was so excited about just went unnoticed or ignored by the people who mean the most to me. 

It really sucked. But maybe they were busy. Maybe they didn't see the email. I tried again the next time I posted. I tried again and again. After about the third time, a few of them at least viewed the blog, maybe reading one article. It wasn't at all the amount of support I was expecting. 

It hurt. Knowing that my closest friends wouldn't even take 5 minutes out of their day to read something I had worked super hard on and leave a comment or two. Or even message me privately saying that they liked it. 

Then I realized that I am the only person who I can rely on. And that's true. You are the only person who is going to be there for you your entire life. So you better get used to showing up for yourself, to supporting yourself, to loving yourself. It's a hard pill to swallow but the sooner you do the better.

I have to do this for myself. I have to make my own happiness, heal my own trauma, meet my own needs. It's like I talked about in my self-care post, you have to put yourself first. This blog is important to me. I contemplated taking it down after a week or two when nobody was reading it or supporting it. But this is something that I want. Maybe it's not very good right now, and maybe it's not popular at all yet. But this is the worst it's going to be. I can only improve and get better from here.

To any of my friends who do happen to read this, I'm not mad at you. Maybe a bit disappointed, but not mad. Thank you for taking the time to read this post though! And to those of you who have been supporting me, thank you. I truly appreciate any support. It's important to support the dreams of those you care about. 

You can't beg others for their support. They'll either give it on their own or they won't. You shouldn't have to ask for it. 

I wish this was something I had realized earlier. There were so many things I stopped or didn't attempt at all just because I didn't have any external validation for it. Little did I know that my own internal validation is the only support I'll ever need to do something. That's not to say that support from your partner, friends or family isn't nice or needed. But their support is not permission for you to do something. 

I wish I got a lot more support from those who say they care about me. I really do. It would be nice. But I also love being there for myself. I love accomplishing things and looking back and being like "hey, I did that all on my own. I showed up for myself," it's a rewarding feeling. I've felt like that a lot recently.

It's a bittersweet realization for sure. Even just writing this I feel somber; disappointed. Especially knowing that if someone I knew started a blog or youtube channel or business, I'd be all over it. In a way, having little support from others motivates me to do better. And not that I have anything to prove to others, but a little "I told you so" moment can be very sweet. 

Here's to showing up for ourselves.

Mckenna<3