My Quarter Life Crisis

 Honestly, I have no idea how to even start talking about this. And I didn't the first time I told someone about it either. 

We have all probably heard of a mid-life crisis. Someone in their 40s starts to question all of their life decisions and stereotypically goes out, buys an expensive sportscar, or starts dating someone half their age. 

Now I didn't make any reckless purchases or jeopardize my loving relationship, but I definitely did experience the questioning my life and decisions part. 

Thinking back, I don't even really know how it began. I started listing out all the things I want to do, all the things I haven't done yet. Then I started thinking about running out of time. About death.

Death scares me. It always has. My earliest memory was way back in grade 3. I was with one of my best friends at the time. We were walking around at recess and somehow we got on the topic of her fear of death. 

She asked me, "What does it feel like? Like you're just not breathing anymore?" 

And from that point, it was always a thought and concept which lingered in the back of my mind, rarely coming to the front until recently. I still had so much to do, but I felt stuck. So so stuck. Yes, I had my boyfriend who I adore, I have my supportive family, my few friends. But other than that... what did I have? Who was I and what was a doing? I felt like I was just floating through life while it passed me by. 

Keep in mind... I'm only 20. That's very young, and I still have so much time to do and accomplish everything I want to. I know this. But my anxiety doesn't. I think in your early 20s you're still figuring out who you are and how to navigate the world. You're not really told what to do anymore like you were as a kid or teen. You have complete freedom. I could move to the other side of the world if I really wanted to. Freedom is great, but it can also be super overwhelming. Especially for someone like me who wants to do everything. What do I do first? When should I do it? How can I do it? Who will come with me?

My anxiety got so bad. It was at the point where this huge growing fear was the only thing I would think about. I couldn't sleep because it consumed my thoughts. It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the mornings. It was at a point where I couldn't be alone. I hated being alone. Because when I was alone I thought about it the most. I gave myself panic attacks almost daily. I couldn't cope with it. 

One day I will not exist.

A fact that scares me to no end.

I don't mean to put such a morbid twist on your day. This is to share my feelings, my worries and anxieties in hopes that it might help someone else with the same or similar thoughts. 

And if you do have those thoughts... talk about it. It will help. The second I broke down and told my boyfriend exactly how I had been feeling, although I felt completely crazy, I felt so much better. So much calmer. He made me feel safe and heard. 

I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. In a way, that's the beauty of it. Nobody knows how their life is going to turn out. Life is what you make of it, how you react to what you are given, how you make your dreams a reality. I'm really starting to realize that. I don't have to stay here, in my hometown.

I want to travel. I want to swim in lakes, chase waterfalls, climb mountains. I want to do "crazy" things like just run through a field in a long dress, scream at the top of my lungs, stand out of the sunroof of a moving car. I want to start taking horse-riding lessons again, start ice skating lessons, learn pottery or art. I want to learn, see and do everything. I want to feel alive.

I think part of the reason why I felt so hopeless was that I don't really have people who both want and are able to do all of these things with me. A lot of my friends are more of the types of people where you talk about doing something with them but it never actually happens. It really sucks. I started to think that I wasn't putting in enough effort to plan things. Even when I started making bigger efforts, planning actual dates and times, asking and checking in to see if it was still happening, people still canceled on me or even ghosted me the days of. It hurt. It still makes me upset to notice just how often I get canceled on. I almost expect it. This is not to bash my friends by the way, it's simply an observation and feeling. I cancel once in a while too. I want to talk about that and how I cope with it more in detail in another post someday. For now, it's just another reason that led to my quarter-life crisis. 

I am able to do things alone. Do I prefer doing them with other people? Absolutely. Other people not wanting to do things with me has held me back from so many experiences I wanted. Concerts, events, going out in nice weather, learning new things. I knew that if I wanted to experience everything I had to get comfortable with going out and doing things alone. I'm working on it more and more every day. It's almost so second nature now that I don't think about inviting anyone else. I should invite others more though, at least sometimes.

I tend to ramble on and on and get super carried away from my initial subject (as I am sure you have noticed). My point is, it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not know what you are doing. You're really not supposed to know. My advice to anyone, mainly myself, is to take care of yourself. You can't do everything in one day. Journal, meditate, talk, even if it's to yourself. Get it out. Your fears are valid. As has been my tagline for the past 3 years; nothing matters. Do what you want. Wear what you want, go where you want, see who you want. It's your life. 

Lately, I've felt like Rapunzel from Tangled stuck in her lonely tower as she sings "When Will My Life Begin?" My life begins now. From the very moment I publish this my life is starting. I am doing what I want, what makes me happy. I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish over the next year. This blog was one of them, so there's one already checked off! I've read before that telling others your goals makes you a lot more likely to accomplish them. So, I will compile my long list of goals for this year and post them on a separate page here. That way you can all hold me accountable! 

Here's to living our best lives.

Much love,

Mckenna <3