love everlasting - dealing with grief

 I saw a quote a while ago that has stuck with me since


what is grief if not love everlasting?


I think it resonated so much with me because over the past 2 years, I have dealt with a great deal of grief in nearly all aspects of my life. 


I lost my father unexpectedly and suddenly. He was my best friend and one of my biggest sources of support. Losing him derailed my life in more ways than I would've expected. It's been 2 years since his passing and I still feel it's effects every single day.

I got out of a toxic relationship that took up 4 years of my youth, years that were so formative to who I would become. I grieve the person I was before that relationship, before I developed all of my anxieties and insecurities. I grieve all of the energy and light I lost because of it. 

I lost a friendship that spanned multiple years and phases of my life. Someone who I miss nearly every day. Even if I know that it was better in the end to dissolve our relationship, it still left a big gap in my life. 

I even grieve the motivated girl I was when enrolled in full-time studies. Now I feel stuck and like I am floating around with hardly anything concrete or obtainable to work towards.


Up until not too long ago, I always thought of grief to be a negative emotion. What you feel after a loss, wondering what could've or would've been, but no longer can.

And it is that, but it's also just so much built up love, and joy, happiness, with no where to go.


I loved my dad with all my heart. And I am able to grieve because of all the memories we shared, all of the times he supported me with my school plays, my horse riding lessons, or even just hanging out with me when I was bored or feeling down.

That toxic relationship may not have been great, and it may have taken away a lot of who I was, but it still taught me a lot. It helped me learn about my personal boundaries, what I am or aren't willing to put up with. It showed me how I don't deserve to be loved... And for that I am grateful. 

I still adore my friend whom I no longer speak to. She will always glow in my many memories of us together. Through breakups and hardships, her kindness and humour always stood strong.

And I cherish everything I did accomplish throughout my college years. The risks I took, the work I put in, all the places I got to travel to. I never did get that diploma. Still working on that...


Greif is tough. I deal with the sudden bursts of anger and sadness that come with it on the daily. I always try to remind myself that the silver lining to dealing with your grief, or mourning a loss, is that you had something to care about. You are able to feel emotions so deeply, which is a blessing. The love you hold doesn't minimize the hurt or loss, but I think that it gives it a beautiful meaning.


With love,

Mckenna

Comments

Post a Comment

Your favourite posts

Do Not Wait.

Image
 I love the band Wallows. I found them a super long time ago, it's probably been close to 4 or 5 years now. I remember I heard their first released song, Pleaser, and was obsessed. Of course they got popular among indie tiktok when they released their song with Clairo. Even my friends who didn't listen to that kind of music loved "Are You Bored Yet?" and to this day that's probably one of their most popular songs, (I would know since that's the one song every person in the room yelled at their concert last year) but it's not mine. Mine is "Do Not Wait" for reasons I can only attempt to explain.  I wish I could hear this song again for the first time. The genius of their album Nothing Happens is, although nothing revolutionary to the music industry, insane. The album fits so well together that if you listen to it in order, many of the songs actually fade into one another including looping from the end of the album back to the start.  My favourite...
Keep reading »

Returning Sparks

Image
This time of year always brings the act of reflection upon me. Reflection on the past year, my accomplishments, my failures, my growth. While I began to weave my thoughts through and around these ideas, I had noticed something I haven't felt in so long; I felt a spark .                                                                                                                               My father, who was my best friend, passed away in late 2024 and my world came crashing in. I was in my hardest semester and in a toxic relationship that drained all of my energy. I was angry all the time and I had lost all my motivation. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to leave t...
Keep reading »

What it means to be Unapologetically Feminine

Image
 Recently I've been seeing a lot of posts about being "unapologetically feminine," and embracing girlhood. They talk about learning to love what you love, dressing the way you want, hanging out with your friends, and not being afraid to get emotional.  For some reason, these posts resonated with me. Once I started seeing them more I started to feel a lot more comfortable with being me. I allowed myself to be emotional, to listen to my body, my wants and needs.  But why? What is girlhood? What exactly is being unapologetically feminine?  I wanted to dive a little deeper into the meaning, into the feelings. I want to try to explain it, my take on it, so that hopefully others can understand. I have a strong feeling that this whole girlhood thing is going to play a big role in my journey.  Girlhood. The time of being a girl . Growing up I remember I used to love "girly" things. I loved getting my nails done and wearing pretty dresses, I loved horses and Barbies. I...
Keep reading »