Returning Sparks

This time of year always brings the act of reflection upon me. Reflection on the past year, my accomplishments, my failures, my growth. While I began to weave my thoughts through and around these ideas, I had noticed something I haven't felt in so long; I felt a spark.                                               

                                                                             

My father, who was my best friend, passed away in late 2024 and my world came crashing in. I was in my hardest semester and in a toxic relationship that drained all of my energy. I was angry all the time and I had lost all my motivation. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to leave the house. I stopped writing and journaling, I had even lost my will to pickup a book, during a time when I needed those outlets the most. I had stopped updating this blog, which previously was one of my favourite pastimes. 2025 felt like it was a complete write-off. I was simply floating through life with no will.

And then right as I was in the worst of it, light appeared: I got broken up with. And a wave of relief washed over me. I wasn't sad, I was only upset at the time and youth I had wasted. Although I had spent a beat being upset of these things that I could not change, I soon realized that I was free. My spirit was free. I was uncaged from a prison I did not even realize I was in. There were no more anxious nights or happiness being drained from my soul. I began to reconnect with my love of living. I went out dancing, I cut my hair, and I slowly got back to hobbies I had lost. I don’t solely credit my breakup for these things, it doesn’t deserve that kind of positive attention. Just as I don't solely credit the new people I've met, or friends I've grown closer to. I do believe, however, that it was the exact catalyst I needed at the exact right timing.  It was myself who took these actions, and myself who deserves that credit. 

It didn't happen all at once, but slowly I began to feel more like me. Like the girl I had been longing to be once more. I was actually listening to music again, and not just sad songs. I was listening to songs about life, about hope. I listened to love songs without the need to convince myself I would never relate. I saw my friends more, and reconnected with the ones I hadn't seen in a while. I even hopped on a plane by myself for the first time to go visit one. I was allowed the space to laugh, to be silly, and even on occasion to be stupid. 

During my recent moments of reflection on the past year, I had realized that I did actually accomplish a lot in my write-off year. Maybe not the large tasks I could cross off of a bucket list, but the little things I hadn't given myself credit for. I realized that I've actually felt happy recently. I realized that I actually want to read, to write, that I dance around the kitchen and skip outside. The most important realization was that my spark had returned; something I had thought was long gone.                                                  

I still feel somewhat lost. But I think that's just a vital part of being in your twenties. No one really wants to admit it, and I didn't either. Growth is so important, it's just a fact. For the longest time, I think I was caught up in the belief that growth could only be linear. That if I wasn't constantly improving, or chasing a goal, I wasn't growing. In reality, growth is not just about bettering yourself, but also about change. And change isn't always good. Change can be bad. We can go through seasons of our lives where we are stuck, where we have lows and loss. But its these moments, these periods of life that create the space for us to grow, that create that opportunity. It all just depends on whether you take that chance. 

Yours truly,

Mckenna <3