the art of independence

 I've always been a relatively codependent person. I never liked ordering for myself, never wanted to talk to strangers, and I was considered "the quiet one" at school and family functions. Even into my early adulthood, I hated going anywhere alone. I'd ask anyone and everyone if they wanted to come with me. You soon find out in life that this can hinder your enjoyment of many things. 

It seems near impossible to plan outings with friends. Some work full-time 9-5s, others part-time at odd hours. Some are in school always having to study, and others are even starting families. I found myself putting off the things I wanted to do and the places I wanted to go, solely because no one would be available or interested in going with me. 

If I am being honest, I get major FOMO. Both in terms of feeling left out if my friends hang out without me, and in the way of not wanting to miss out on life. I don't want to miss out on trying a restaurant before it closes simply because no friends are available to go. I don't want to miss out on travel because it's out of someone else's budget, or doesn't fit in someone else's schedule. And I definitely don't want to miss out on starting something simply because I am afraid of doing it alone.

Last year, I faced these fears head-on when I booked a solo trip to visit a friend in another province. I was terrified of being on my own. Should I drive to the airport and park my car? Or should I transit? I've never taken an Uber alone before. Would it be worth it? What if there's a problem going through security? What if I get an anxiety attack on the plane? Although I was staying with my friend and would see her, she also still had to work for part of my trip, and I would be on my own for the majority of the day. Where would I go? Would people look at me funny if I went to a restaurant alone? What would I do with myself?

The truth is, I don't think many people care. And even if they do, why should that matter to you? I know that whenever I see someone doing something alone; going to a restaurant, attending a concert, or even just enjoying a walk in the park, I always think that they are so cool. 

I adored that trip. It was freeing to be able to do what I wanted on my time. I spent as long as I wanted in each shop, never feeling rushed. I ate at the restaurants that I wanted to, with no one complaining about my pick. It was eye-opening because, for one of the first times, I really realized that I would be okay on my own. It sounds silly to say, but it truly was a huge fear of mine, and still is! 

I think there is something so poetic about being your own best friend. I once read somewhere that you are the only person who will be with you from birth, all the way until you die. The only person. Why wouldn't you want to be comfortable spending time with yourself? Don't get me wrong, I love being social. I love going out with my friends, or my partner, but why should I sacrifice my enjoyment when that's not possible? 

Now I try to make a point of going out and doing something on my own at least once a week. This week, I went to a fitness class on my own for the first time. For a while, I was going with a couple of friends, but when they stopped going, so did I. I enjoyed my class so much, that I booked another for next week!

My alone time is often when my inspiration strikes. When I try to be the mysterious "cool" looking girl on the train, I often ponder up my best ideas. Solo nature walks inspire me to dance and write. Even just sitting alone in a cafe motivates me to get all of my work done. 

The more comfortable we are with spending time on our own, the less we hold our selves back, and the less we miss out on. And being able to do this without a second thought, I believe, is an art. 

with care and newfound inspiration,

mckenna <3